How to beat your teen into submission..the Jingle Cats way!

I like everything about that statement..

Me: Hey, what are you gonna do after high school?
Small Freshman: Make my own brand of tissues, go to college, and be a lawyer *Swigs Dr. Pepper and walks away*

Monday Mayhem

Fun Fridays-Updated

Me: Hey, how was the sub yesterday?
Small Emo Boy: She flipped me off and made me brush her hair.

Me: You should name your new cat Taylor.
Spacey Girl: No! That's my friend Taylor's name! *Scrapes cheese off Sonic wrapper with teeth* I'm thinking 'Cheesepaper'.

Kid to other kid: HEY! GIMME BACK MY UNICORN!!!!

Spacey Girl: Man, Miss Jumper...you are so lucky I didn't drop this biscuit on the ground when the door hit me in the head! (I AM lucky, that biscuit was gooood)


An open letter to the family of a wasp, murdered in cold blood, by a sophomore boy:

Dear Mr. Wasp,
I am terribly sorry for killing you. It really felt like you were trying to sting me so I was just protecting myself and my classmates. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. It was just my natural instincts kicking in. They told me "hey, that wasp is going to sting you, someone better kill it", so I killed you. IT was only for the betterment of the class. My sincerest apologies go out to your family and friends.

Janet Reno Dance Party 09

BRB...

The cheap ripoffs come rolling in...

The End All, Be All...

Somewhere... Oscar Mayer is crying...

Incredulous girl to emphatic boy: *hands on hips* I find it hard to believe that she would throw her good sandwich at you!!!!!!

And they never found her body...

Girl: Miss Jumper, you should totally hang out at the Rock Garage with us!
Me: Umm, I'm 29 years old.
Girl: Ohhh...well you could totally hang out with my gramma!

Tuesday Gallery of Greatness

The Saga Continues to Continue

More from Red's seductive novel about Lt. Alligator....

RIP that dude from that movie..

Open Scene

Students are chattering about the death of Patrick Swayze. Some know who he is, some don't...
Clueless Kid: Ohhh, was Patrick Swayze named after that band??
Me: *heart breaks, dies...haunts students that are using the pottery wheel..annoys Whoopi Goldberg*

End Scene

Artist of the Week

Ole Red..at it again.

This is Lieutenant Alligator. He's a Cornell grad and a vegetarian. His archnemesis is Lieutenant Crocodile, who has two monocles.
Lt. Alligaor travelled through time to adopt a Chinese baby, where he met and made enemy-time with Lt. Croc.
Red has promised me that this epic will continue. Stay tuned!

Yo Quiero Sugar Skull

The class is observing a collage. One student asks what the skull image in it means.

Me: That's a sugar skull
Ditzy Blonde: YEAH! Those are part of Dia de los Muertos...it's to celebrate family that has passed on. It's a really important holiday in Mexico.
The whole class: *Dumbfounded stare*
Me: Wow, good job. How did you know that.
Ditzy Blonde: Uhhhh, it's on Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I've seen it like, a million times.

Let it Ride.

Yesterday I received a series of manic emails from the blogger at the Hawley blog. They began innocently, as follows...

Hey. I need help. Go to your local KFC and see if they’re selling a “bacon” sandwich that uses fried chicken as the buns. If so, I need a picture of it by 3 PM (EST)!!! Seriously, go at your lunch break. Thanks

They slowly got more insistent....

@##@!^& it, seriously. Buy the sandwich, photo it several times and email
them to me. This is for a writing job!

And then...
Well, when do you leave school? Do you have time during a planning period? I
seem to remember the KFC is just across the street from the school.... I
just need some shots today. This "Double Down" could be the break I'm
looking for and God knows a nutrition-deprived hell hole like Poteau would
be THE place for a crusty ole KFC to be serving 'em up by the truckload!
Don't let me down.

And finally...
Well don't do it if you get in trouble. I'll focus my energy elsewhere. Good
day.

This inspired me to assign my students to create gross sandwiches. Here are some of the results:

Red strikes again

Previously posted redhead approaches desk, picks up colored pencils, turns to me and very seriously says:
"Ms. Jumper..embrace your inner kitten before it purrs its way out." *turns and sits down*

Like, and such

On the topic of ingrown toenails (which she brought up)

Spacey Art Girl: Haven't you seen in those Disney cartoons? Like, when they have toenail problems? When he wants her to rub his feet??? You know....

Everyone in class: *Blank Stare*

Maybe shut it more...

Punk kid one: Dude you got your lip pierced!

Punk kid two: I know dude. I wanted to make a difference in the world and I decided to start with my mouth.

Left Right Left

While working on his sketchbook assignment to draw an animal with your left or opposite hand...

Long-haired teen: Teacher!! This is harrrddd...can I erase with my right hand???

5 minutes later...

Long-haired teen: Ughhh,teacher... it's so hard to draw with all my bling on. *Removes plastic gold rings*

3 minutes later...

Long-haired teen: Teacher, can you show me how to draw those m-shaped birds from the 80s?

Until it tries to get romantic..

Redheaded kid: "Dude, if I were a teacher I would totally arrange the desks in the shape of a dolphin. How cool would it be to sit on a dolphin?!!?!"

End of Summer

Summer is almost over and that is stupid.
Eric "CWP" Smith has requested I update.
I completed all of my goals. I drank, tanned, tanned and dranked. I'm now visitin some Ashevillains to send out the summer right.
I will be starting at a new school in August. And by new I mean old, cause I went to school there. Gulp.

School are over

It has been one glorious week since I stepped foot in a school and I've gotten alot accomplished.
-Tannin'
-Drankin'
-Waterparkin'
-Drankin'
-Tannin'
I need a hobby that you can do while drinking and tanning. I know...drinking and tanning!
*gluglug*

Today's Threat/Compliment/Injury

Junior Boy: Heyyy, Ms. Jumper...are you gonna be here next year?
Me: Nope. I'm not.
Junior Boy: *pause* I will destroy you.

Ten minutes later....

Junior Boy: Heyy, Ms. Jumper...does this look infected?

End Scene

Today's Fact

Banana peels were once beaten and dried to use as papyrus by students on remote islands hundreds of years ago. Probably.
Today my students followed in that tradition to let me know that they were going to home ec to dry their socks. Why use real paper when you can use my breakfast??

Open Post Hosted by JC (not the Lord & Saviour)

Shout out to my girl JC....
She's giving away smell-goods, girl.
Go do it, girl.
Girl!
http://mymeremotif.blogspot.com/

Like, totally.random post

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I heard the word "like" during my day.

"Ohmygawyall, I like, totally watched this weird movie last night...it's called "Mermaids", but...it's like, totally not even ABOUT mermaids!"

Also, this Monster energy drink is taking over the world of boys age 14-18. They LOVE this stuff. Gross. It tastes and looks like engine coolant. Trust me.

Lastly, the words "retarded" and "gay" are not okay to use as synonyms for "stupid". You'd be surprised how many TEACHERS I hear use these words. I used to until I really thought about how hateful they are. So just stop.

Open Post hosted by Sarah Blakely...

I can't think of anything to write, so I asked my best pal Jonna "Heisman" Brown to give me a topic.
She chose the topic of "Spanx". She's never led me astray, so I'll roll with it.
If you're a female (or a drag queen) and have never used these, then you are foolish and deserve to be ridiculed. Many high-powered and important ladies swear by these magical girdles..Oprah,Beyonce, John Travolta... I am convinced that they're sewn by angels out of threads of pure love. They are more important to mankind than any stupid vaccine or invention. They suck in everything and don't creep or roll, and that alone spares the world alot of grief. Have you ever been around a woman whose pantyhose don't fit right during an important event? Not. Fun.
So in conclusion, Spanx are the most important invention of the past 2000 years. Also, they've allowed me to write this, and in doing so I've put off doing my laundry for about 15 minutes, and that is a gift in itself. Thanks, Jonna. And thank you, Spanx.

Filters are for fish tanks

Candor comes in handy when you teach punkass high schoolers. Sometimes you have to just say what you're thinking, and for me that's like breathing (and teaching in the inner city for a year hasn't hurt this skill).

Me: I've decided on a seating chart for this class...here it is.
Senior boy: Aww, what!? Why? This sucks?
Me: Because the amount of talking during the video last week was an abomination to the name of public education.
Senior boy: You're an abomination.
Me: Your mama's an abomination.
Pause.
Senior boy: Alright, you got me with that one.

Brad Pitt, VP

Open Scene
Students are watching the daily teen news show. Today's clip shows George Clooney visiting some foreign country to offer help or beard advice or something.
Freshman Girl 1: Oh, isn't he a comedian?
Freshman Girl 2: You idiot...he was president.
Me: *Slaps head* *Slaps girls*
End Scene

At least it wasn't a high schooler

Open Scene
A busy 1st grade classroom, full of eager kids ready for art. After the lesson is explained the sound of pencils on paper is heard.

A little boy in the front jumps up excitedly and looks at me.
Boy: Momma! Look!
Me: Momma!??
Boy: *embarassed* Oh, I called you momma..haha. Well, it's because you look just like my momma. Your hair, your face..your,*scans down to my chest* uhh...uhhh....even your earrings! She wears earrings, too! *Sits down and continues to work*
Me: I need an adult!

Don't call me Shirley.

Teaching high schoolers is often like being stuck in a Zucker Brothers movie, except without Leslie Nielson and the zaniess. Their poor heads are so clogged with hormones and Lil' Wayne lyrics that the simplest lessons don't sink in and they stare at you like you instructed them in Latin.

Student: Is this 3-D? *shows flat shape glued to another flat shape*
Me: No.
Student: Why not?!?!
Me: It's flat.
Student: Oh, so it IS 3-D!
Me: No. It's 2-D.
Student: Oh.... but it is flat, right?
Me: *Blank stare*
Student: *Blank Stare*
End Scene

Thank Howard Gardner for inner-monologue. I probably be prosecuted otherwise.

VDay, Schmee Day

In honor of this holiest of holy days of love and capitalism, I made you a card.



Also, if you teach teenagers, do not tell them to "hand me your V-Cards". Awkward laughter will ensue. Trust me.

My fans are demanding.

During my most recent trips to Starbucks and Spago, I was accosted by several hundred of my fans, demanding that I update my blog. I could barely get out of my Beemer from all of the screaming and crying. So, here are some pictures I like. You're welcome.

Icepocalypse '09

Oklahoma is hardcore. We pride ourselves in being badasses. Hello...dustbowl era?

We're known for our extremes.... religion, politics, and weather. The saying is that if you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a few minutes.

But this week's weather can kiss my ass. Last week we had a high of 79. I wore flip flops.

This week we had a genocide of ice take over and swallow up my sanity. Powerlines are laying everywhere. Trees are split like string cheese and you can't walk to your car without risking your life. We've been out of school for four days, y'all. That doesn't happen in Oklahoma. If your four wheeler can make it to the bus stop, then you get your ass to school. Here are some award-winning photos of the carnage.

Lonely Only

Today I'm dedicating myself to watching the "17 Kids and Counting" marathon on Discovery Channel. I am inappropriately obsessed with them. I grew up all by myself and always wanted a lot of siblings. Instead, I spent my time whittling and teaching my Barbies interpersonal skills.

I don't have a hard time imagining or putting myself in other's shoes..but I cannot comprehend what it's like to live in a house with 16 brothers and sisters. I can barely stand sharing my appetizer at Chili's.

The Duggars are visiting Silver Dollar City in this episode. I freaking love Silver Dollar City. Someone take me there right now.

When my future beloved and I have 17 children, their names will be as follows and they will all begin with a 'K', duh.

Kandleabra

KrushGroove

Konseedance

Kripple Krabb

Koolmodee

K'Laid

Keeper of dem gemz

Kustard

KiliminjarOH!

Konstantinople

Klaymashun

Krystlemeth

Kumquatt

KitKat

Kysmitt

Kraken

Krackerbag

Kevin

Robert Goulet

Yes, he is beautiful. He even has a bell. RINGALINGALING!!!!!

Reckon...

It's Friday. I'm getting myself a new bike today. I don't know what to name him.
My last bike was Bill Murray, but he lives with a new mommy now. She can give him the life that I couldn't.
I've narrowed down that names....please tell me what you think.

Farley
Pickles
Dr. Tooth
Clover
Wooly Mammoth
Sardine Sandwich Jenkins
Steve

Your mom's a politics

As we all know, 1st graders are very concerned with ethics and scandal. History has shown us time and time again that the greatest political analysts are usually between 5 and 8 years old. It's just political science!

Calvin Coolidge, History's Greatest Monster

I cannot tell a lie, I'm crazy about democracy!!!

"Sock it... to meee????"- Tricky Dick

Life's Mysteries

One of the few benefits of being an only child is having lots of time to think. No siblings to disturb you while sitting in your thinking-bean-bag-chair, pondering life's eternal questions and blowing in your bubble pipe....

Why is the sky blue?
Who decided which end of a planet is up? Are we looking at them upside-down?
If I take a picture of a mirror, how come I can't see my reflection when I look at the picture?
Why are walruses so freakin' weird?
Do I have an evil twin?
What happens if a Goonie DOES say die?

But a long-forgotten question came to mind again while I was sitting in the Walton Arts Center watching "The Wizard of Oz" last night (I give it a B)....

What the hell is up with the Tin Man?

The Scarecrow makes sense, he's a friggin' scare crow.
The Lion is odd since lions are savannah animals, but still feasible since Dorothy wanders through a magical forest full of lions, tigers, and bears (shut up).
But the Tin Man? He's a woodsman, okay...that makes sense. But why the hell is he made of tin? Did lumberjacks in olden times wear full body armor while they chopped? Is this some symbolism I don't get? Did L. Frank Baum find shiny metal sexually attractive?
Why the hell is he TIN!!!???? I won't rest until I get a decent answer and you shouldn't either.
BTW, I turned 29 today.

Ok...ok....

That last blog was subpar, and here's the reason why:
I will be celebrating my last birthday in my 20s on Wednesday.
I am not happy about this.
I have vowed to be the most perfect version of myself by that next bday, so I've gotten back on the health wagon. That includes, but is not limited to, following the church of Weight Watchers, using my Wii Fit, and not smoking.
As you can imagine, this has sucked every last bit of fun out of my life. Do you know how thrilling it is to sit on your couch and shake your Wii controller while you smoke and eat ice cream?
It's like heaven.
But it's disgusting and in no way helps me in my path to perfection.
Nicotine is as addictive as heroin. Don't forget that if you catch me passed out on my couch in a relapse, with a mainline of Marlboro Reds connected to my vein and a half eaten pint of Chunky Monkey precariously perched on my belly.
Anyway, I suggest you tread lightly around me for the next few weeks. Maybe months.
Oh, and I want flowers for my birthday. Real ones.

Bing Bong

Christmas is over, how depressing. I put my tree up on Halloween in anticipation and now it's over. No more good tidings, no more fruitcake, and no more airings Home Alone 2. Boohoo.

I ran all over the country this break. I spent NYE in the mountains of North Carolina. The whole Hoffenchard gang was all together and played 3 hours worth of sardines at the mountain house. Many drunken hollers were heard by ole man Eric. STARKKKKSSSS!!!!! He's still hiding somewhere in there as far as I know...
On the plane home, I had a layover in Charlotte. I was so exhausted. You'd think people had never seen a grown woman sleep on the floor of an airport. As the first plane landed, the 'bing bong' sound went off to alert us that we could take off our seatbelts. As the alert sounded, I inexplicably mimicked it with a loud "BING BONNNNNG". I have no idea why, but everyone turned and stared at me as if they'd never heard a grown woman yell "BING BONNNNG" on a plane. So rude.
In conclusion, the holiday break is too short. That is all.