Friday, January 30, 2009

Icepocalypse '09

Oklahoma is hardcore. We pride ourselves in being badasses. Hello...dustbowl era?

We're known for our extremes.... religion, politics, and weather. The saying is that if you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a few minutes.

But this week's weather can kiss my ass. Last week we had a high of 79. I wore flip flops.

This week we had a genocide of ice take over and swallow up my sanity. Powerlines are laying everywhere. Trees are split like string cheese and you can't walk to your car without risking your life. We've been out of school for four days, y'all. That doesn't happen in Oklahoma. If your four wheeler can make it to the bus stop, then you get your ass to school. Here are some award-winning photos of the carnage.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Lonely Only

Today I'm dedicating myself to watching the "17 Kids and Counting" marathon on Discovery Channel. I am inappropriately obsessed with them. I grew up all by myself and always wanted a lot of siblings. Instead, I spent my time whittling and teaching my Barbies interpersonal skills.
I don't have a hard time imagining or putting myself in other's shoes..but I cannot comprehend what it's like to live in a house with 16 brothers and sisters. I can barely stand sharing my appetizer at Chili's.

The Duggars are visiting Silver Dollar City in this episode. I freaking love Silver Dollar City. Someone take me there right now.

When my future beloved and I have 17 children, their names will be as follows and they will all begin with a 'K', duh.




Kripple Krabb



Keeper of dem gemz












Thursday, January 15, 2009

Robert Goulet

Yes, he is beautiful. He even has a bell. RINGALINGALING!!!!!

Friday, January 9, 2009


It's Friday. I'm getting myself a new bike today. I don't know what to name him.
My last bike was Bill Murray, but he lives with a new mommy now. She can give him the life that I couldn't.
I've narrowed down that names....please tell me what you think.

Dr. Tooth
Wooly Mammoth
Sardine Sandwich Jenkins

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Your mom's a politics

As we all know, 1st graders are very concerned with ethics and scandal. History has shown us time and time again that the greatest political analysts are usually between 5 and 8 years old. It's just political science!

Calvin Coolidge, History's Greatest Monster

I cannot tell a lie, I'm crazy about democracy!!!

"Sock it... to meee????"- Tricky Dick

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Life's Mysteries

One of the few benefits of being an only child is having lots of time to think. No siblings to disturb you while sitting in your thinking-bean-bag-chair, pondering life's eternal questions and blowing in your bubble pipe....

Why is the sky blue?
Who decided which end of a planet is up? Are we looking at them upside-down?
If I take a picture of a mirror, how come I can't see my reflection when I look at the picture?
Why are walruses so freakin' weird?
Do I have an evil twin?
What happens if a Goonie DOES say die?

But a long-forgotten question came to mind again while I was sitting in the Walton Arts Center watching "The Wizard of Oz" last night (I give it a B)....

What the hell is up with the Tin Man?

The Scarecrow makes sense, he's a friggin' scare crow.
The Lion is odd since lions are savannah animals, but still feasible since Dorothy wanders through a magical forest full of lions, tigers, and bears (shut up).
But the Tin Man? He's a woodsman, okay...that makes sense. But why the hell is he made of tin? Did lumberjacks in olden times wear full body armor while they chopped? Is this some symbolism I don't get? Did L. Frank Baum find shiny metal sexually attractive?
Why the hell is he TIN!!!???? I won't rest until I get a decent answer and you shouldn't either.
BTW, I turned 29 today.

Monday, January 5, 2009


That last blog was subpar, and here's the reason why:
I will be celebrating my last birthday in my 20s on Wednesday.
I am not happy about this.
I have vowed to be the most perfect version of myself by that next bday, so I've gotten back on the health wagon. That includes, but is not limited to, following the church of Weight Watchers, using my Wii Fit, and not smoking.
As you can imagine, this has sucked every last bit of fun out of my life. Do you know how thrilling it is to sit on your couch and shake your Wii controller while you smoke and eat ice cream?
It's like heaven.
But it's disgusting and in no way helps me in my path to perfection.
Nicotine is as addictive as heroin. Don't forget that if you catch me passed out on my couch in a relapse, with a mainline of Marlboro Reds connected to my vein and a half eaten pint of Chunky Monkey precariously perched on my belly.
Anyway, I suggest you tread lightly around me for the next few weeks. Maybe months.
Oh, and I want flowers for my birthday. Real ones.

Bing Bong

Christmas is over, how depressing. I put my tree up on Halloween in anticipation and now it's over. No more good tidings, no more fruitcake, and no more airings Home Alone 2. Boohoo.

I ran all over the country this break. I spent NYE in the mountains of North Carolina. The whole Hoffenchard gang was all together and played 3 hours worth of sardines at the mountain house. Many drunken hollers were heard by ole man Eric. STARKKKKSSSS!!!!! He's still hiding somewhere in there as far as I know...
On the plane home, I had a layover in Charlotte. I was so exhausted. You'd think people had never seen a grown woman sleep on the floor of an airport. As the first plane landed, the 'bing bong' sound went off to alert us that we could take off our seatbelts. As the alert sounded, I inexplicably mimicked it with a loud "BING BONNNNNG". I have no idea why, but everyone turned and stared at me as if they'd never heard a grown woman yell "BING BONNNNG" on a plane. So rude.
In conclusion, the holiday break is too short. That is all.