Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Obama's newest Cabinet appointment

Sunny, from the plate-breakin' Catocrat party, will offer 4 years of loyal service to Mr. Obama and his administration.

"Read my lips! No new plates!"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

My ferocious blog fans have insisted I post again. And by fans I mean KB. Thanks, girl.

One of my favorite things in life is when you share a "WTF moment" with a total stranger.
For instance, Sunday I was feeling lousy. I was stopped at an intersection with a little black rain cloud hovering over my head, when I see two pre-teens dressed in their Sunday best sprinting across the 4 lane highway. Barefoot. I did the requisite double take and then glanced at the car next to me to see if they saw it, too. The lady had the same "wtf" look on her face and looked over to me and we shared the moment briefly before the light turned green. It made my day a little bit better, not to mention more interesting as I tried to figure out what the hell those kids were doing. Couldn't take the sermon? Threw their shoes off in a fit of joy and were filled with the spirit...all the way down highway 51? Maybe they were shooting a music video.
In other news, my cat has learned how to sit in the kitchen cabinets and will not be removed. She's broken all my good plates. I need an exterminator.
I also got a Wii. My right side is so sore from serving those rockets to the opposing team. I am a Wii sport pro-fesh-un-ul. I can't be stopped, so don't try.
That is all.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Scenes from the 'Quah

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Some things never change....

Post-election day in a school is always interesting.
So is the realization that kids now still do the same stupid stuff you did at their age.
As one 5th grader was explaining to me that John McCain was a good candidate, but Sarah Palin lacked experience, the kid behind him was showing the others how he could pop his shoulder out of place. This exploded into every child showing me their freakshow talents...double jointed fingers, scars from summers at the lake, and my favorite-the extreme hand-flop from a broken wrist.
As it calmed down and they continued to work, one of the boys in the back suddenly got this puzzled look, raised his hand and asked "Miss Jumper....can fish get diabetes??"
This spawned the whole "If you have this, then you have this" game. If your right leg is longer than your left then you'll die young, if you can touch your nose with your tongue then you're real smart...then the classic. If your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer. One poor under-informed boy fell for it and got a smash in the grill. I joined in the pointing and laughing until the bell rang. I hope he forgives me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Miss Oklahoma, whaa whaaaa?

Teacher: Who wants a signed photo of Miss Oklahoma?

Kids: Ooooohhh! I do!!!!

Boy Kid: (Grabs photo and weasels away...looks at photo longingly)
"Mmmhmmm....That's what IIII'm talkin' bouuuut".

Friday, October 24, 2008

A letter to my high school teachers...

I am so sorry for ever being a teenager.

Please forgive me.


Spazzy McGee

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The culprit!

I caught this naughty bee and plan to rehabiliate it. Wish me luck.


I got slapped on the boob by one of my students' mommas today. Don't worry, there was a bee on it. And yes, I got her number.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

More More Schoolin'


5th grade boy: Hey, dude, ask me if you can borrow my pencil...
Other 5th grade boy: Uh..can..I..borrow your pencil?
5th grade boy: When PIGS fly!!! *laughs uncontrollably*

Miss Jumper: Okay, guys, so this mask is from the Dan people in's a female ceremony mask...
Senior Girl: Wait, wait, wait...if this is a female mask then why do they call it Dan??? *Looks around for support from classmates*

Senior Student: Miss Jumper, you remind me of my gramma...*before I can respond with an "awwww!"*....My gramma is a BITCH!
Miss Jumper: Yeah, well when I was in high school....
Student: When was that??
Miss Jumper: Like, ten years ago... I still remember where I was when Kurt Cobain died.
Student: *Pause* Who's Kurt Cobain?
Cue Miss Jumper's soul being crushed and her youth floating away.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

More Schoolin'

As some of you who remember my first teaching year blog, I enjoy eavesdropping on my students and exploiting their hilarious comments. Here are some from this year so you'll see, there are some similar ideas from the kids at both schools where I've taught.

5th grade boy: Nooo,dude...I said "pimp". Like Lil' Wayne...HE'S a pimp...

9th grade boy: (sitting behind my desk, in my chair)
Me: No sir! Get outta my seat!
9th grade boy: (stares at me blankly). Awww, Miss just don't want me sitting in your seat 'cause you think I'm gonna steal something 'cause I'm an INDIAN!

Me: All right, y'all. Let's get ready for the bell.
12th grade boy: Dang, Miss Jumper, why are you so freakin' bossy?

Kid in the hall: mom totally got hit on by Layne Staley!!! *Pause.* Who's Layne Staley?

11th grade boy: Miss Jumper, have you heard of this old band..I think they're called"Pearl Jam"?

Friday, September 12, 2008

It's a recipe for success, y'all

The solution to our oil crisis is so simple, y'all. A few simple steps....

Step One:
Use cloning and genetic technology to regenerate an entire army of hybrid T Rex-Wooly Mammoths. Their hideous appearance and incredible stench will make the next few steps run smoother.
Step Two:
Build a gigantic nuclear pressure chamber, about the size of Rhode Island. Use recyclable materials whenever possible.
Step Three:
Trick all of the hybrid Wooly T-Rexes into the chamber. This shouldn't be too difficult due to their total lack of cognition from the unholy cross-breeding. And since they're so hideous and smelly PETA won't mind.
Step Four:
Add a few tons of fossilized plants for good measure. Turn on the pressure chamber to medium. Make sure the spiggot is closed or it will not be pretty. Dino sludge flood, y'all!
Step Five:Allow the pressure and heat to work its magic for about 20 minutes. If you're really in a pinch turn it to the highest setting and you'll be ready in about 15.
Step Six:Place your container of choice under the spiggot and voila! You got yourself some real-live crude oil, y'all! And you skipped all those pesky ice ages and meteor impacts.

Now I just need an investor...minimum commitment of around 437 billion and some homemade macaroni should do. It's just science, y'all!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Meeting of the Minds '08

Discussin' politics, world domination, how to keep your fur manageable on a budget, etc.

Monday, September 8, 2008


Educate yourself to THIS reality!!!!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Why, yes, I am hood.

funny pictures

What's better than walking into your classroom and finding a 10 lb. textbook duct taped to your floor?

Getting to go gangsta on the sonsabitches responsible. I done took my earrings off, y'all...these kids don't know where I'm from, y'all. I got ram-buc-tuous on them, y'all. I bet they won't eff with this broad again...

In other news, I've spent the past 4,305 hours building all the furniture I ordered from Sears. I cried. I sweated. I cursed. I watched a Will and Grace marathon from start to finish. And now I have a bed, a nightstand, a tv stand, 3 tables, and fifteen splinters in my calves. Don't ask.

I keep dreaming about making out with Barack Obama and Bob Saget. Not simultaneously, you pervert. What does that mean? Is DJ gonna get all weepy on me? Will I have to fist-fight Michelle Obama AND Michelle Tanner....again? Stay tuned.

Oh, snap, Katt Williams is on. Paaaaaaaace.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Livin' on Tulsa time

Or just east of Tulsa time.
The school year is fully rolling and I'm still completely lost.
When did high schoolers become so old? Yet they still have no idea how the world works....
It's making me wonder what I was like in high school. It's almost hard to remember. I was a spaz most of the time, but did my teachers think that? I thought I was so smooth when I'd try to pull some stunt...did they just let me or did they have no idea? I know exactly what these kids are up can't shit a shitter.....and boy could I bullshit. It's that creative gene.
Anyway, life in a small town is moving along. I still haven't met my neighbors. But I have met their cats and that's more important to me, really.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I. Am. Job.

I have a teaching gig. The timeline of this holy miracle is as follows:

Wednesday: Tori- "Hey, I think I know of a school that needs an art teacher" Me-"Oh really? Let me finish this hot dog and I'll ask you more about it."
Thursday: Look up said school, decide it doesn't suck, send in resume out of complete lack of options, expecting nothing.
Friday: Get a phone call from school asking for an interview that day. Drive 2 hours, get lost, get hired.
Saturday: Find a home in said school district.
Sunday: Move
Monday: Go to OKC to complete transfer of teaching certificate
Tuesday: Begin to mould/mold young minds. Begin to receive graphic design job offers from firms I applied to in Austin. Stupid timing.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted and need a visit from my ole friend Jack Daniels. He can move in with me at this point, I have an extra room.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I love cable.

I haven't had real cable in over 2 years. TWO YEARS!!!
I've existed on Reba and One on One reruns on the three channels that I could get with rabbit ears. Don't diss Reba!
Luckily, I'm still looking for a job here in the Heartland so I have plenty of time to work on my cable deficit.
So far today I've watched a documentary about Bigfoot, Tori & Dean, some show about how bread is made, the Sopranos, and more Tori & Dean. I am so tired! And I want some bread!
I decided to take a break from my gorgeous plasma screen ( and by "my" I mean "my parents'") to take a little hike at an old waterfall out in the country. Nature is great, but Madea's Family Reunion was coming on at 11:30 so I made it a short trip.
But the outing helped me decide that I will indeed be trying out for the US Olympic synchronized swimming team next week. I've been watching alot of QVC to train. Cross your paws!
This post was pointless...

Friday, August 1, 2008

Best Animals Ever

I have alot of insane dreams. Last night I not only dreamed that I was attending college at Ramen Noodle University, but I also dreamt that I discovered two new species of animals. Which prompts me to make this list of real-life animals that I wish I had discovered.

In no particular order...

Mimic Octopus.

This thing can change into anything. I've personally seen one transform into a 15 foot conversion van with rims and ground effects. Amazing.


These precious baby bears can hold anything in those pouches. Think of the possibilities! Plus their razor-sharp claws of justice can tear through any bag of snacks you may struggle with.


This video explains it much better than I ever could.


Let's face it, they're better than dogs. Get over it.
Can your dog bring about world peace or fix your router? Doubtful. It's a scientific fact that cats can do those things. The Japanese love them and we all know that they know cute more than any other nation of people.
Dispute me. I dare you.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cars, zombies, etc.

I'm watching Total Recall right now while doing laundry. It's making me really wish that I lived on Mars.
First of all, I like the color red.
Second of all, girls go to Mars to get more candy bars, while boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. It's just science!
But why I really want to move there is for the Johnny Car. Being able to tell an automaton where I want to go and not have to tip him or talk about his home country would be outstanding. I love talking to random strangers, but the pressure of having to be chatty and southern-sweet is especially difficult when you're staring at the back of someone's head.
As most of you know, the reason I didn't buy my Toyota with a standard transmission is for the simple fact that if a zombie invasion occurs,I want anyone of any age and ability to be able to drive my car. It's very thoughtful of me, really. But if I had a Johnny car, that wouldn't be a problem. The other solution, for now, is for me to hire a driver. I can pay you in Whiskas and high fives. I'll even let you wear one of my many hats so you'll feel important. Please send resumes and headshots to me via the myspace.
Time to load the dryer!

Blogs are for Fugs

Blogs are so self-serving. You think enough people actually care enough about your thoughts that they'll log into their computers and read your thoughts on politics and fashion?

Duh. Of course they do.
It beats working, sleeping, or living in general.

Therefore, I shall divulge many important things via blog, por ejemple:

Why I hate certain things..
Why I hate certain people that I don't know..
What makes me happy and why you should care..
Words that bother me..
Why only children are better than you..
Why my cats are better than you..
And probably many other exciting and life-changing topics that you'll surely be interested in.
As soon as I get a job, I'm sure I'll lose interest. Until then, this is my job.
Lucky you.