Open Post hosted by Sarah Blakely...

I can't think of anything to write, so I asked my best pal Jonna "Heisman" Brown to give me a topic.
She chose the topic of "Spanx". She's never led me astray, so I'll roll with it.
If you're a female (or a drag queen) and have never used these, then you are foolish and deserve to be ridiculed. Many high-powered and important ladies swear by these magical girdles..Oprah,Beyonce, John Travolta... I am convinced that they're sewn by angels out of threads of pure love. They are more important to mankind than any stupid vaccine or invention. They suck in everything and don't creep or roll, and that alone spares the world alot of grief. Have you ever been around a woman whose pantyhose don't fit right during an important event? Not. Fun.
So in conclusion, Spanx are the most important invention of the past 2000 years. Also, they've allowed me to write this, and in doing so I've put off doing my laundry for about 15 minutes, and that is a gift in itself. Thanks, Jonna. And thank you, Spanx.

Filters are for fish tanks

Candor comes in handy when you teach punkass high schoolers. Sometimes you have to just say what you're thinking, and for me that's like breathing (and teaching in the inner city for a year hasn't hurt this skill).

Me: I've decided on a seating chart for this class...here it is.
Senior boy: Aww, what!? Why? This sucks?
Me: Because the amount of talking during the video last week was an abomination to the name of public education.
Senior boy: You're an abomination.
Me: Your mama's an abomination.
Pause.
Senior boy: Alright, you got me with that one.

Brad Pitt, VP

Open Scene
Students are watching the daily teen news show. Today's clip shows George Clooney visiting some foreign country to offer help or beard advice or something.
Freshman Girl 1: Oh, isn't he a comedian?
Freshman Girl 2: You idiot...he was president.
Me: *Slaps head* *Slaps girls*
End Scene

At least it wasn't a high schooler

Open Scene
A busy 1st grade classroom, full of eager kids ready for art. After the lesson is explained the sound of pencils on paper is heard.

A little boy in the front jumps up excitedly and looks at me.
Boy: Momma! Look!
Me: Momma!??
Boy: *embarassed* Oh, I called you momma..haha. Well, it's because you look just like my momma. Your hair, your face..your,*scans down to my chest* uhh...uhhh....even your earrings! She wears earrings, too! *Sits down and continues to work*
Me: I need an adult!

Don't call me Shirley.

Teaching high schoolers is often like being stuck in a Zucker Brothers movie, except without Leslie Nielson and the zaniess. Their poor heads are so clogged with hormones and Lil' Wayne lyrics that the simplest lessons don't sink in and they stare at you like you instructed them in Latin.

Student: Is this 3-D? *shows flat shape glued to another flat shape*
Me: No.
Student: Why not?!?!
Me: It's flat.
Student: Oh, so it IS 3-D!
Me: No. It's 2-D.
Student: Oh.... but it is flat, right?
Me: *Blank stare*
Student: *Blank Stare*
End Scene

Thank Howard Gardner for inner-monologue. I probably be prosecuted otherwise.

VDay, Schmee Day

In honor of this holiest of holy days of love and capitalism, I made you a card.



Also, if you teach teenagers, do not tell them to "hand me your V-Cards". Awkward laughter will ensue. Trust me.

My fans are demanding.

During my most recent trips to Starbucks and Spago, I was accosted by several hundred of my fans, demanding that I update my blog. I could barely get out of my Beemer from all of the screaming and crying. So, here are some pictures I like. You're welcome.