More More Schoolin'

5th grade boy: Hey, dude, ask me if you can borrow my pencil...
Other 5th grade boy: Uh..can..I..borrow your pencil?
5th grade boy: When PIGS fly!!! *laughs uncontrollably*

Miss Jumper: Okay, guys, so this mask is from the Dan people in Africa...it's a female ceremony mask...
Senior Girl: Wait, wait, wait...if this is a female mask then why do they call it Dan??? *Looks around for support from classmates*

Senior Student: Miss Jumper, you remind me of my gramma...*before I can respond with an "awwww!"*....My gramma is a BITCH!

Miss Jumper: Yeah, well when I was in high school....

Student: When was that??

Miss Jumper: Like, ten years ago... I still remember where I was when Kurt Cobain died.

Student: *Pause* Who's Kurt Cobain?

Cue Miss Jumper's soul being crushed and her youth floating away.

More Schoolin'

As some of you who remember my first teaching year blog, I enjoy eavesdropping on my students and exploiting their hilarious comments. Here are some from this year so far...as you'll see, there are some similar ideas from the kids at both schools where I've taught.

5th grade boy: Nooo,dude...I said "pimp". Like Lil' Wayne...HE'S a pimp...


9th grade boy: (sitting behind my desk, in my chair)
Me: No sir! Get outta my seat!
9th grade boy: (stares at me blankly). Awww, Miss Jumper...you just don't want me sitting in your seat 'cause you think I'm gonna steal something 'cause I'm an INDIAN!

Me: All right, y'all. Let's get ready for the bell.
12th grade boy: Dang, Miss Jumper, why are you so freakin' bossy?

Kid in the hall: Dude...my mom totally got hit on by Layne Staley!!! *Pause.* Who's Layne Staley?

11th grade boy: Miss Jumper, have you heard of this old band..I think they're called"Pearl Jam"?

It's a recipe for success, y'all

The solution to our oil crisis is so simple, y'all. A few simple steps....

Step One:
Use cloning and genetic technology to regenerate an entire army of hybrid T Rex-Wooly Mammoths. Their hideous appearance and incredible stench will make the next few steps run smoother.
Step Two:
Build a gigantic nuclear pressure chamber, about the size of Rhode Island. Use recyclable materials whenever possible.
Step Three:
Trick all of the hybrid Wooly T-Rexes into the chamber. This shouldn't be too difficult due to their total lack of cognition from the unholy cross-breeding. And since they're so hideous and smelly PETA won't mind.
Step Four:
Add a few tons of fossilized plants for good measure. Turn on the pressure chamber to medium. Make sure the spiggot is closed or it will not be pretty. Dino sludge flood, y'all!
Step Five:Allow the pressure and heat to work its magic for about 20 minutes. If you're really in a pinch turn it to the highest setting and you'll be ready in about 15.
Step Six:Place your container of choice under the spiggot and voila! You got yourself some real-live crude oil, y'all! And you skipped all those pesky ice ages and meteor impacts.

Now I just need an investor...minimum commitment of around 437 billion and some homemade macaroni should do. It's just science, y'all!

Meeting of the Minds '08

Discussin' politics, world domination, how to keep your fur manageable on a budget, etc.

Blurp.

Educate yourself to THIS reality!!!!

Why, yes, I am hood.

What's better than walking into your classroom and finding a 10 lb. textbook duct taped to your floor?

Getting to go gangsta on the sonsabitches responsible. I done took my earrings off, y'all...these kids don't know where I'm from, y'all. I got ram-buc-tuous on them, y'all. I bet they won't eff with this broad again...

In other news, I've spent the past 4,305 hours building all the furniture I ordered from Sears. I cried. I sweated. I cursed. I watched a Will and Grace marathon from start to finish. And now I have a bed, a nightstand, a tv stand, 3 tables, and fifteen splinters in my calves. Don't ask.

I keep dreaming about making out with Barack Obama and Bob Saget. Not simultaneously, you pervert. What does that mean? Is DJ gonna get all weepy on me? Will I have to fist-fight Michelle Obama AND Michelle Tanner....again? Stay tuned.

Oh, snap, Katt Williams is on. Paaaaaaaace.