Life's Mysteries

One of the few benefits of being an only child is having lots of time to think. No siblings to disturb you while sitting in your thinking-bean-bag-chair, pondering life's eternal questions and blowing in your bubble pipe....

Why is the sky blue?
Who decided which end of a planet is up? Are we looking at them upside-down?
If I take a picture of a mirror, how come I can't see my reflection when I look at the picture?
Why are walruses so freakin' weird?
Do I have an evil twin?
What happens if a Goonie DOES say die?

But a long-forgotten question came to mind again while I was sitting in the Walton Arts Center watching "The Wizard of Oz" last night (I give it a B)....

What the hell is up with the Tin Man?

The Scarecrow makes sense, he's a friggin' scare crow.
The Lion is odd since lions are savannah animals, but still feasible since Dorothy wanders through a magical forest full of lions, tigers, and bears (shut up).
But the Tin Man? He's a woodsman, okay...that makes sense. But why the hell is he made of tin? Did lumberjacks in olden times wear full body armor while they chopped? Is this some symbolism I don't get? Did L. Frank Baum find shiny metal sexually attractive?
Why the hell is he TIN!!!???? I won't rest until I get a decent answer and you shouldn't either.
BTW, I turned 29 today.

Ok...ok....

That last blog was subpar, and here's the reason why:
I will be celebrating my last birthday in my 20s on Wednesday.
I am not happy about this.
I have vowed to be the most perfect version of myself by that next bday, so I've gotten back on the health wagon. That includes, but is not limited to, following the church of Weight Watchers, using my Wii Fit, and not smoking.
As you can imagine, this has sucked every last bit of fun out of my life. Do you know how thrilling it is to sit on your couch and shake your Wii controller while you smoke and eat ice cream?
It's like heaven.
But it's disgusting and in no way helps me in my path to perfection.
Nicotine is as addictive as heroin. Don't forget that if you catch me passed out on my couch in a relapse, with a mainline of Marlboro Reds connected to my vein and a half eaten pint of Chunky Monkey precariously perched on my belly.
Anyway, I suggest you tread lightly around me for the next few weeks. Maybe months.
Oh, and I want flowers for my birthday. Real ones.

Bing Bong

Christmas is over, how depressing. I put my tree up on Halloween in anticipation and now it's over. No more good tidings, no more fruitcake, and no more airings Home Alone 2. Boohoo.

I ran all over the country this break. I spent NYE in the mountains of North Carolina. The whole Hoffenchard gang was all together and played 3 hours worth of sardines at the mountain house. Many drunken hollers were heard by ole man Eric. STARKKKKSSSS!!!!! He's still hiding somewhere in there as far as I know...
On the plane home, I had a layover in Charlotte. I was so exhausted. You'd think people had never seen a grown woman sleep on the floor of an airport. As the first plane landed, the 'bing bong' sound went off to alert us that we could take off our seatbelts. As the alert sounded, I inexplicably mimicked it with a loud "BING BONNNNNG". I have no idea why, but everyone turned and stared at me as if they'd never heard a grown woman yell "BING BONNNNG" on a plane. So rude.
In conclusion, the holiday break is too short. That is all.

Obama's newest Cabinet appointment

Sunny, from the plate-breakin' Catocrat party, will offer 4 years of loyal service to Mr. Obama and his administration.

"Read my lips! No new plates!"

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

My ferocious blog fans have insisted I post again. And by fans I mean KB. Thanks, girl.

One of my favorite things in life is when you share a "WTF moment" with a total stranger.
For instance, Sunday I was feeling lousy. I was stopped at an intersection with a little black rain cloud hovering over my head, when I see two pre-teens dressed in their Sunday best sprinting across the 4 lane highway. Barefoot. I did the requisite double take and then glanced at the car next to me to see if they saw it, too. The lady had the same "wtf" look on her face and looked over to me and we shared the moment briefly before the light turned green. It made my day a little bit better, not to mention more interesting as I tried to figure out what the hell those kids were doing. Couldn't take the sermon? Threw their shoes off in a fit of joy and were filled with the spirit...all the way down highway 51? Maybe they were shooting a music video.
In other news, my cat has learned how to sit in the kitchen cabinets and will not be removed. She's broken all my good plates. I need an exterminator.
I also got a Wii. My right side is so sore from serving those rockets to the opposing team. I am a Wii sport pro-fesh-un-ul. I can't be stopped, so don't try.
That is all.

Scenes from the 'Quah

Some things never change....

Post-election day in a school is always interesting.
So is the realization that kids now still do the same stupid stuff you did at their age.
As one 5th grader was explaining to me that John McCain was a good candidate, but Sarah Palin lacked experience, the kid behind him was showing the others how he could pop his shoulder out of place. This exploded into every child showing me their freakshow talents...double jointed fingers, scars from summers at the lake, and my favorite-the extreme hand-flop from a broken wrist.
As it calmed down and they continued to work, one of the boys in the back suddenly got this puzzled look, raised his hand and asked "Miss Jumper....can fish get diabetes??"
This spawned the whole "If you have this, then you have this" game. If your right leg is longer than your left then you'll die young, if you can touch your nose with your tongue then you're real smart...then the classic. If your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer. One poor under-informed boy fell for it and got a smash in the grill. I joined in the pointing and laughing until the bell rang. I hope he forgives me.