And another thing..

2012-01-11T14:02:00.000-08:00

Me: Ok, you need to be figuring out what you're going to draw to represent our town.

Shaggy Shaggerson: *thinks* Can I draw those people that sell dogs in the Wal Mart parking lot?

Overheard on a Thursday 2.0

2011-12-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

Cher-obsessed boy: Mother Teresa is by far the sexiest lady of all time....

2011-11-28T12:32:00.001-08:00

Me: Where is your sketchbook already?!?!

Lanky Kid: I lost it in the great sketchbook fire of '96. Please don't bring it up.

Wednesday

2011-11-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

Me: When did you last cry?

Lanky kid: Last night....when I had diarrhea soooo bad. And next time I cry I'm going to write you a letter with the tears as proof.

-----------------

Me: What word would you use to describe yourself?

Lanky kid: *Pause* Chicken. *Pause* NO! TURKEY.

----------------

Lanky kid: HEY JUMPER. I'm getting an owl *Pause* No. I'm getting a falcon. Then we can have *SCREEEEEEEEEECH* contests.

2011-11-08T12:45:00.001-08:00

Shaggy-haired senior: Maybe Monet was a cyborg. Is that a bundle of wires in a field, or some haystacks? You don't know.

Overheard on a Friday

2011-10-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Smart WOW kid: I know that because I read it in my book about ancient bats.

Tuesday...

2011-10-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

Me: So, who is the Surrealist artist we all know...he had a crazy mustache?
Class: *crickets*
Me: COME ON! He painted clocks melting?
Girl in front : Oh...clocks..yeah, that's Flava Flav.

Rocker Kid: Oh, hey..my drumset's birthday is today!

Rock Brain: Yeah, but..beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder...it's in the eye of the BUTT holder.

2011-10-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, are you still staying at your grandma's?

Lanky Lankerson: No, no more grandma. All she did all day was talk about people and cry.

2011-10-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Freshman Girl: Why are you taping pizza crusts together???

Freshman Boy with Pizza Crusts: Quiet. I'm working.

2011-10-05T13:59:00.001-07:00

2011-10-04T14:39:00.001-07:00

Ol' Red: Dude, do you realize you have two backpacks on?

Not-so-small-emo-boy: Yeah, dude...one's for my Pokemon cards.

2011-10-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

This and That.

2011-09-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, how did you feel after the blood drive?
Tall Boy: Oh, I was ok. I went home at ate a whole thing of Bagel Bites so...ya know...

Taco Boy: Yeah, well...I don't know if this will be as cool to y'all but...I killed a scorpion with a sword last night.

Sneaky Boy (gazing at clay creation): Noooo, this isn't a pipe...it's a...one of those uh....logs, like in a log ride? I really just love log rides!

Realism

2011-08-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

Aristotasaurus

2011-08-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

Me: So...what is a philosopher?

Polite Young Man 1: (dead serious) Oh...that's a dinosaur, isn't it? The Philosoraptor??

"Ladies' Man Abe Lincoln"

2011-08-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

Test test test

2011-08-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

2011-05-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

Me: So, did you have fun on the band trip? Meet any honeys?

Not So Small Emo Boy: No honeys, but they were definitely admirin' my stride.

2011-05-04T09:35:00.001-07:00

Swagger boy 1: Dude, me and the old lady broke up last night. We are not getting back together this time.
Swagger boy 2: Whatever, dude, how is this any different than the 300 other times y'all broke up?
Swagger boy 1: Well, for one I didn't have glow-in-the-dark shoes or a glow-in-the-dark phone case back then...

2011-05-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Bespeckled girl: *calmly, with chin on fist* See...this is just like what I've been saying. You know, it's like my narwhal crossed with a horse idea....so you can ride an underwater unicorn....

2011-04-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, will you pick up that pencil you just dropped...
Incredulous Senior Boy: That pencil ain't miiiine! That pencil don't even look like me!

2011-04-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

Shoeless freshman: You know what would be really terrifying?? A shapeshifting otter. ESPECIALLY in the whisker area....

2011-04-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ginger Boy: *Hummmming in unison with some other kids* Man, we are good at this. We should start a three-way singing group....a vocal threesome...a three-man voice orgy.....what is that called?!

2011-04-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

Not-So-Small-Emo-Boy: *Sits up straight* IT'S 10 AM AND I NEED A BURRITO!!!!!!!

Summer Olympics 2040

2011-03-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Bro 1: Ugh, I forgot. I have detention for misbehaving in Spanish.

Bro 2: What for??

Bro 1: Playing "Gay Chicken" disruptively.

Bro 2: What's "Gay Chicken"?!

Bro 1: When you get as close to kissing your dude friend as you can before chickening out.....I won.

2011-03-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

Dead serious kid with no shoes: I like your earrings, by the way...they remind me of me. I like to fly. I'm a fly guy. Not a shy guy.

I see my friiiends.

2011-03-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Not-so-small-emo-boy: (Frantically) Wait a minute...it's the Tuesday after Spring Break and not a single person has mentioned Rebecca Black?!?! Maybe they're waiting for Friday....

Mini-Space Cadet's Thoughts for Thursday

2011-03-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

Wait, isn't a breast argumentation a boob job?

That giraffe is farting hearts, sooooo cute!

I'm going to put my sister on Craigslist.

Illlusionnnns...

2011-03-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

Me: Hey, I like your cardigan.
Not-so-small-anymore-emo boy: *Pulls out imaginary card deck* Is this your card..again?

2011-03-01T14:09:00.001-08:00

Mini Space Cadet: (after a very long day at choir contest) Jumper, did you know that choir kids actually sing on the choir bus...the whole way there and bacccccccck?
*pause*
Time for a poop break!

Sounds itchy.

2011-02-28T12:39:00.001-08:00

Mini Space Cadet: I left school for three hours today. In that time, I developed Bieber Fever!

Gum as you are.

2011-02-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

Rock and Roll Cowboy: Jumper, do you have any Chiclets? I love Chiclets. I need them. HOW DO YOU HAVE MEXICAN STUDENTS AND NOT HAVE CHICLETS!!!!!!!!!!??*pause*
I'm outta here.

2011-02-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

Stick it to em.

2011-02-22T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ol' Red: You know what they say...if you hate something, tape it to a giant stick.

More like Lame Action, amirite.

2011-02-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Gamer Girl: Do you even know what LARPing meannnnnnns?
Me: Yes. And I am too old and cool for it.
Gamer Girl: WHAT-EVERRR. LARPing is cool, I read it on Tumblr.

Free to a good home.

2011-02-17T09:58:00.000-08:00

Lanky kid in a hoodie: *Rolls up to my desk behind giant trashcan, trying to conceal his identity, then pops up* "Hey JUMPER! If I didn't have any parents or a dad, would you adopt me so that you don't look like a pervert?"

Young love.

2011-02-11T07:03:00.001-08:00

Bespeckled band girl: Should I tell him that he smells like my dead mother? That faint smell of cigarette smoke and chicken....

Ninja, please.

2011-01-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

Lanky kid in a hoodie: *opens door, rolls in a ball across the floor, crawls to my desk on his belly, pops up slowly in front of my desk* "Did you know I was there???"

Stuff My Students Made

2011-01-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

http://stuffmystudentsmade.tumblr.com/

Your Mother for $200, Alex.

2011-01-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

Kid with gloves, after being asked if he was late: No, I came in on time...unlike Burt Reynolds on Celebrity Jeopardy, he comes outta nowhere.

O, Engineers.

2011-01-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sports girl: Yes, he is real smart. He's going to college on a scholarship for smarts....to be a pioneer or engineer or something....

Ft. Lauderdale WKRP

2011-01-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Kid with the Germs t-shirt: What does this mean? Kin-sin-atty? What is that? Kinsinatty??

Me: That says "Cincinnati".

Kid with the Germs t-shirt: Well, whatever man...I'm not from Florida.

Goth Talk

2011-01-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Goth boy: Someone told me that I look like So-and-So Scissor Fingers.
Me: Do you mean Edward Scissorhands?!?!
Pause
Sheepdog Haired Boy: I think you look like a wizard.

Ol' MCC

2011-01-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Space Cadet: Ohhhh, I am so hungry. I have mustard chicken in my car. Don't you dare call me "ol' mustard chicken car".

Noted.

2010-08-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

Sqweeeeeee!

2010-08-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Band girl: *Pops head in doorway* Heyyy, Miss Jumper. Well, I finally took my brace off. Yeah, I left it out and the pigs got a hold of it. I had to hit 'em with sticks so they'd let go! Well...time for class!

Back to School

2010-08-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

School is in full swing. It is approximately 4,220 degrees outside but the kids are in good spirits.
Their art teacher, however, is cranky.

School is Out

2010-06-30T10:48:00.001-07:00

Don't talk to me until August unless it's about cats, Froot Loops, or sledding.

Moving right along.

2010-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Boy: What is a Muppet, anyway?
Girl: It's a Marie Antoinette combined with a puppet.
*Pause*
Boy: Do you mean marionette????
Girl: Oh yeah...I can't ever pronounce that right.

Overheard at lunch...
Space Cadet: I'm not bipolar...I just say f$#! a lot.

PostSecret...teen edition

2010-05-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

Our last assignment of the year is about secrets. They were asked to make a PostSecret-style artwork. Here are some of my favorites....

Show me yo teef.

2010-03-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Space Cadet: He needs braces. Okay, you know how people from Massachussets and Maine have narrow teeth? *Makes narrow teeth motion* His teeth are like that...it scares me.

Gumraffe

2010-03-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

Who's got change for this 20?

2010-03-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

Me: I'm going to Vegas this summer!
Space Cadet: You are?! You should go see those hot male dancers...the Fire from Down Yonder...
Me: You mean the Thunder From Down Under?
Space Cadet: Saaaaaame thhhiiiinnnng.

I've got the pre kind.

2010-02-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

Baby Hipster: Jess seems sad today, she's sleeping at the table.
Me: What's wrong with her?
Baby Hipster: Ohh, I think she has that post-mortem depression.
Me: Hmmmmm......

PETA, Paul, and Mary....

2010-02-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

Space Cadet: And you know..I'm not helping the Special Olympics anymore....I mean, there are special animals in the world, too. Some have broken legs and some have really bad ear aches. Let's help them instead....

Another victory for public schools...

2010-02-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

Mystery Backpack Kid: Heyyy, I see y'all are going to Italy. Ummm...are y'all driving or flying?
Me: *slowly puts marker down, turns, stares blankly* Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!!!!
Mystery Backpack Kid: Oh, well wait...is it down south or on the other side of the world?
Me: *stares blankly* Other side of the world.....
Mystery Backpack Kid: Ohhh, okay cool...I haven't been to the other side of the world in a while...*exits room*
Me: *stares blankly*

-End Scene-

Facepalm on the prairie...

2010-02-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

Small Emo Boy: *yelling as he runs into room* MISS JUMPER!!!!! KALEB IS WEARING A V-NECK T-SHIRT AND HE WON'T LET ME DRAW CHEST HAIR ON HIM AND IT'S KILLING MEEEEEE!
Me: *facepalm*

Blonde cheerleader: We're watching an "Inconvenient Truth" in class and it's, like, soooo scary.
Blonde wrestler: Did you know that's based on a true story??
Blonde cheerleader: Cause it IS a true story, idiot.
Blonde wrestler: *stunned* WHAT?!?!?!?
Blonde cheerleader: *facepalm*

Sage Wisdom Thursday

2010-02-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

One of my wisest hippy girls is a bountiful fountain of knowledge. I love hearing what she has to say....

"...And I never went on that merry-go-round again!!!"

"She doesn't even act like a nun!"

"Gramma is an outlaw...she sings to snails..."

"That's when I found out that turtles NEED their shells."

"I wish elephants laid eggs."

"If I had an elephant, I'd dress it like an eskimo. It'd look like a mammoth but I'd do it anyway."

To be continued....

Every Ranch begins with R

2010-02-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

"Miss Jumper, will you have salad with me?"

Go here!

2010-02-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.olahelland.net/giraffes/

to see these...

Overheard..

2010-01-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

Small Emo Kid: Rubber?! I hardly know her!!!

Totally Pictastic Tuesday

2010-01-26T06:06:00.000-08:00

That's what she said.

2010-01-13T10:14:00.001-08:00

Space Cadet: The way she walks, like, it reminds you of Satan. She's sporty and tough and redheaded...And I, like, don't wanna fight the devil...Satan, I rebuke you, man....

Small Freshman: If I were falling off a cliff I'd take my clothes off 'cause if I was born naked I'm gonna die naked. *swigs Mt. Dew*

XXX

2010-01-05T06:37:00.000-08:00

This week will mark my entry into the world of the unknown...a dreaded and mysterious time that no self-respecting child of the 80s discusses. I am turning 30. The students have had a countdown on the board since the 3rd week of school and it's growing into single digits, which terrifies me.
One of the sweeties got me this fine goat as a gift. I think it symbolizes my pact with Satan. Or they found it in their closet over break. Whatevs.

How to beat your teen into submission..the Jingle Cats way!

2009-12-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

Pee Pee Mania

2009-12-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

One of the.....benefits...of teaching high school boys is finding hidden treasures drawn on every.surface.in.the.room. Naturally, the main subject is penises. All shapes, sizes, and colors. As I've said before, I'm not offended by the penises, I'm offended by how badly drawn they are. Here's a high class gallery of just a handful I've found so far...

I like everything about that statement..

2009-11-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

Me: Hey, what are you gonna do after high school?
Small Freshman: Make my own brand of tissues, go to college, and be a lawyer *Swigs Dr. Pepper and walks away*

Monday Mayhem

2009-11-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Fun Fridays-Updated

2009-11-06T07:48:00.001-08:00

Me: Hey, how was the sub yesterday?
Small Emo Boy: She flipped me off and made me brush her hair.

Me: You should name your new cat Taylor.
Spacey Girl: No! That's my friend Taylor's name! *Scrapes cheese off Sonic wrapper with teeth* I'm thinking 'Cheesepaper'.

Kid to other kid: HEY! GIMME BACK MY UNICORN!!!!

Spacey Girl: Man, Miss Jumper...you are so lucky I didn't drop this biscuit on the ground when the door hit me in the head! (I AM lucky, that biscuit was gooood)

An open letter to the family of a wasp, murdered in cold blood, by a sophomore boy:

Dear Mr. Wasp,
I am terribly sorry for killing you. It really felt like you were trying to sting me so I was just protecting myself and my classmates. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. It was just my natural instincts kicking in. They told me "hey, that wasp is going to sting you, someone better kill it", so I killed you. IT was only for the betterment of the class. My sincerest apologies go out to your family and friends.

Janet Reno Dance Party 09

2009-10-26T07:06:00.001-07:00

BRB...

2009-10-21T08:19:00.001-07:00

The cheap ripoffs come rolling in...

2009-10-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

The End All, Be All...

2009-10-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Somewhere... Oscar Mayer is crying...

2009-10-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

Incredulous girl to emphatic boy: *hands on hips* I find it hard to believe that she would throw her good sandwich at you!!!!!!

And they never found her body...

2009-09-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Girl: Miss Jumper, you should totally hang out at the Rock Garage with us!
Me: Umm, I'm 29 years old.
Girl: Ohhh...well you could totally hang out with my gramma!

Tuesday Gallery of Greatness

2009-09-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Saga Continues to Continue

2009-09-17T07:08:00.001-07:00

More from Red's seductive novel about Lt. Alligator....

RIP that dude from that movie..

2009-09-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

Open Scene

Students are chattering about the death of Patrick Swayze. Some know who he is, some don't...
Clueless Kid: Ohhh, was Patrick Swayze named after that band??
Me: *heart breaks, dies...haunts students that are using the pottery wheel..annoys Whoopi Goldberg*

End Scene

Artist of the Week

2009-09-10T10:57:00.001-07:00

Ole Red..at it again.

This is Lieutenant Alligator. He's a Cornell grad and a vegetarian. His archnemesis is Lieutenant Crocodile, who has two monocles.
Lt. Alligaor travelled through time to adopt a Chinese baby, where he met and made enemy-time with Lt. Croc.
Red has promised me that this epic will continue. Stay tuned!

Yo Quiero Sugar Skull

2009-09-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

The class is observing a collage. One student asks what the skull image in it means.

Me: That's a sugar skull
Ditzy Blonde: YEAH! Those are part of Dia de los Muertos...it's to celebrate family that has passed on. It's a really important holiday in Mexico.
The whole class: *Dumbfounded stare*
Me: Wow, good job. How did you know that.
Ditzy Blonde: Uhhhh, it's on Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I've seen it like, a million times.

Let it Ride.

2009-08-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received a series of manic emails from the blogger at the Hawley blog. They began innocently, as follows...

Hey. I need help. Go to your local KFC and see if they’re selling a “bacon” sandwich that uses fried chicken as the buns. If so, I need a picture of it by 3 PM (EST)!!! Seriously, go at your lunch break. Thanks

They slowly got more insistent....

@##@!^& it, seriously. Buy the sandwich, photo it several times and email
them to me. This is for a writing job!

And then...
Well, when do you leave school? Do you have time during a planning period? I
seem to remember the KFC is just across the street from the school.... I
just need some shots today. This "Double Down" could be the break I'm
looking for and God knows a nutrition-deprived hell hole like Poteau would
be THE place for a crusty ole KFC to be serving 'em up by the truckload!
Don't let me down.

And finally...
Well don't do it if you get in trouble. I'll focus my energy elsewhere. Good
day.

This inspired me to assign my students to create gross sandwiches. Here are some of the results:

Red strikes again

2009-08-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Previously posted redhead approaches desk, picks up colored pencils, turns to me and very seriously says:
"Ms. Jumper..embrace your inner kitten before it purrs its way out." *turns and sits down*

Like, and such

2009-08-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

On the topic of ingrown toenails (which she brought up)

Spacey Art Girl: Haven't you seen in those Disney cartoons? Like, when they have toenail problems? When he wants her to rub his feet??? You know....

Everyone in class: *Blank Stare*

Maybe shut it more...

2009-08-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Punk kid one: Dude you got your lip pierced!

Punk kid two: I know dude. I wanted to make a difference in the world and I decided to start with my mouth.

Left Right Left

2009-08-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

While working on his sketchbook assignment to draw an animal with your left or opposite hand...

Long-haired teen: Teacher!! This is harrrddd...can I erase with my right hand???

5 minutes later...

Long-haired teen: Ughhh,teacher... it's so hard to draw with all my bling on. *Removes plastic gold rings*

3 minutes later...

Long-haired teen: Teacher, can you show me how to draw those m-shaped birds from the 80s?

Until it tries to get romantic..

2009-08-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Redheaded kid: "Dude, if I were a teacher I would totally arrange the desks in the shape of a dolphin. How cool would it be to sit on a dolphin?!!?!"

End of Summer

2009-07-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over and that is stupid.
Eric "CWP" Smith has requested I update.
I completed all of my goals. I drank, tanned, tanned and dranked. I'm now visitin some Ashevillains to send out the summer right.
I will be starting at a new school in August. And by new I mean old, cause I went to school there. Gulp.

School are over

2009-06-02T20:08:00.001-07:00

It has been one glorious week since I stepped foot in a school and I've gotten alot accomplished.
-Tannin'
-Drankin'
-Waterparkin'
-Drankin'
-Tannin'
I need a hobby that you can do while drinking and tanning. I know...drinking and tanning!
*gluglug*

Today's Threat/Compliment/Injury

2009-05-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

Junior Boy: Heyyy, Ms. Jumper...are you gonna be here next year?
Me: Nope. I'm not.
Junior Boy: *pause* I will destroy you.

Ten minutes later....

Junior Boy: Heyy, Ms. Jumper...does this look infected?

End Scene

Today's Fact

2009-05-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

Banana peels were once beaten and dried to use as papyrus by students on remote islands hundreds of years ago. Probably.
Today my students followed in that tradition to let me know that they were going to home ec to dry their socks. Why use real paper when you can use my breakfast??

Open Post Hosted by JC (not the Lord & Saviour)

2009-04-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Shout out to my girl JC....
She's giving away smell-goods, girl.
Go do it, girl.
Girl!
http://mymeremotif.blogspot.com/

Like, totally.random post

2009-04-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I heard the word "like" during my day.

"Ohmygawyall, I like, totally watched this weird movie last night...it's called "Mermaids", but...it's like, totally not even ABOUT mermaids!"

Also, this Monster energy drink is taking over the world of boys age 14-18. They LOVE this stuff. Gross. It tastes and looks like engine coolant. Trust me.

Lastly, the words "retarded" and "gay" are not okay to use as synonyms for "stupid". You'd be surprised how many TEACHERS I hear use these words. I used to until I really thought about how hateful they are. So just stop.

Open Post hosted by Sarah Blakely...

2009-03-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything to write, so I asked my best pal Jonna "Heisman" Brown to give me a topic.
She chose the topic of "Spanx". She's never led me astray, so I'll roll with it.
If you're a female (or a drag queen) and have never used these, then you are foolish and deserve to be ridiculed. Many high-powered and important ladies swear by these magical girdles..Oprah,Beyonce, John Travolta... I am convinced that they're sewn by angels out of threads of pure love. They are more important to mankind than any stupid vaccine or invention. They suck in everything and don't creep or roll, and that alone spares the world alot of grief. Have you ever been around a woman whose pantyhose don't fit right during an important event? Not. Fun.
So in conclusion, Spanx are the most important invention of the past 2000 years. Also, they've allowed me to write this, and in doing so I've put off doing my laundry for about 15 minutes, and that is a gift in itself. Thanks, Jonna. And thank you, Spanx.

Filters are for fish tanks

2009-03-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Candor comes in handy when you teach punkass high schoolers. Sometimes you have to just say what you're thinking, and for me that's like breathing (and teaching in the inner city for a year hasn't hurt this skill).

Me: I've decided on a seating chart for this class...here it is.
Senior boy: Aww, what!? Why? This sucks?
Me: Because the amount of talking during the video last week was an abomination to the name of public education.
Senior boy: You're an abomination.
Me: Your mama's an abomination.
Pause.
Senior boy: Alright, you got me with that one.

Brad Pitt, VP

2009-02-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

Open Scene
Students are watching the daily teen news show. Today's clip shows George Clooney visiting some foreign country to offer help or beard advice or something.
Freshman Girl 1: Oh, isn't he a comedian?
Freshman Girl 2: You idiot...he was president.
Me: *Slaps head* *Slaps girls*
End Scene

At least it wasn't a high schooler

2009-02-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

Open Scene
A busy 1st grade classroom, full of eager kids ready for art. After the lesson is explained the sound of pencils on paper is heard.

A little boy in the front jumps up excitedly and looks at me.
Boy: Momma! Look!
Me: Momma!??
Boy: *embarassed* Oh, I called you momma..haha. Well, it's because you look just like my momma. Your hair, your face..your,*scans down to my chest* uhh...uhhh....even your earrings! She wears earrings, too! *Sits down and continues to work*
Me: I need an adult!

Don't call me Shirley.

2009-02-17T17:23:00.000-08:00

Teaching high schoolers is often like being stuck in a Zucker Brothers movie, except without Leslie Nielson and the zaniess. Their poor heads are so clogged with hormones and Lil' Wayne lyrics that the simplest lessons don't sink in and they stare at you like you instructed them in Latin.

Student: Is this 3-D? *shows flat shape glued to another flat shape*
Me: No.
Student: Why not?!?!
Me: It's flat.
Student: Oh, so it IS 3-D!
Me: No. It's 2-D.
Student: Oh.... but it is flat, right?
Me: *Blank stare*
Student: *Blank Stare*
End Scene

Thank Howard Gardner for inner-monologue. I probably be prosecuted otherwise.

VDay, Schmee Day

2009-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

In honor of this holiest of holy days of love and capitalism, I made you a card.

Also, if you teach teenagers, do not tell them to "hand me your V-Cards". Awkward laughter will ensue. Trust me.

My fans are demanding.

2009-02-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

During my most recent trips to Starbucks and Spago, I was accosted by several hundred of my fans, demanding that I update my blog. I could barely get out of my Beemer from all of the screaming and crying. So, here are some pictures I like. You're welcome.

Icepocalypse '09

2009-01-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Oklahoma is hardcore. We pride ourselves in being badasses. Hello...dustbowl era?

We're known for our extremes.... religion, politics, and weather. The saying is that if you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a few minutes.

But this week's weather can kiss my ass. Last week we had a high of 79. I wore flip flops.

This week we had a genocide of ice take over and swallow up my sanity. Powerlines are laying everywhere. Trees are split like string cheese and you can't walk to your car without risking your life. We've been out of school for four days, y'all. That doesn't happen in Oklahoma. If your four wheeler can make it to the bus stop, then you get your ass to school. Here are some award-winning photos of the carnage.